hate my life. that is that. this could be possibly the third guy that has pretty much told me that he doesnt want to get to know me before he gets to know me. he found out one thing about my past and got scared away. i have a many secrets and many major events in my life, but i dont let those events stop me from being who i am and who i will become. this guy told me yesterday that he was excited about “us.” and then today, he said something about a “friendship” and then playing with the word “us” and making it the “united states.” i hate people who bullshit you, only because that dont have to balls to tell you to fuck off or just to tell you to stop talking to them. if you are scared about one fucking thing in my life, or that you cant tell me that you i am annoying you, then you dont diserve me. I am an awesome person. I am romantic. I am sweet. I am kind, funny, and all around kind. If you don’t want to know me, then that is your lose. I have many people in my life, and you just might be one speed bump. I hope you get over that that one event isnt that bad. You are very awesome. You really are. I was so excited to get to know you. but then i got my hopes up and you shattered them. that always happens. but we will see what the future has to hold for me.
That i am giving up. Closing down. it never works out for me. Maybe being straight would be a lot easier on my life. finding a great girl and being with them for life. though, i have already found amazing girls in my life, but knowing that i am gay, they would never want to be with me. maybe i am just doomed to be alone. yes it is early in my life, but i want to find someone that will hold meaning in my life, maybe something that will keep me happy for a while. yes, friends do make me happy and have meaning, but they can’t fill the spot that i have open for someone special to hold onto. Guys that i have liked always end up not working out. most were my fault, and i get that. but how come i can’t hold on to something dear? i do repel guys? why cant i find a guy that likes me and i like him. why cant that happen for me? i mean, there have been at least two guys in my life that i let get away and i am regretting it so hard right now. but one went on and found someone he loves, and the other has closed his heart to me. i know i am being really emo right now, but i am just trying to rid my head and heart of some of these feelings. I tend to listen to sad songs during these times, but a part of me likes being sad, maybe even shed a tear here or there, but that will never happen. i am not a crier. i just bottle everything up usually. but i think this time is different. i really liked this guy, but we were just at two different ends of the spectrum, and i dont think he would want to be with me anyways. though i am a great guy. i know this. guys are missing out on it. but how come it usually takes a year for me to meet someone new? i guess there arent that many gay guys on campus here. i just need to get out of here soon. after college, i might move away. get out of texas. move to where i can become somebody and maybe with someone special. we will just have to wait and see. i am feeling better now. but maybe after this is posted, i will go back to feeling bad. oh well, that is my life. it really sucks.
legs = super tired. eyes = wet with sleep. stomach = angry with hunger. goodnight world.
Okay, so Cali and I went for a 30 minute walk/run tonight. It was so much fun and refreshing. I don’t want to smoke anymore so I can feel this good all the time. I got all my homework done too, and it wasn’t at the last minute. I am so proud of myself. Now, I am off to shower, so I can get in my bed and sleep; the best sleep I will ever know will be tonight.
So first day; left house at noon, got in car with dad, drove to san marcos. got here around 2:30ish and unloaded. room looks awesome. we then went to wich which and ate some tastey sandwiches. then he left around 6ish. unpacked after he left. didnt take long. then took a shower in the new showers. then asked nikita to come by, which she did, and we listened to music and smoked hookah right outside the new dorm. great. then we went to her new apartment to cook some ramen, because retama doesnt have any pans… poo. so then we watched some robot chicken, and then she took me back. now i am very tired and i want to watch some lost. bye guys, and hope to hear from all of yall soon. Goodnight.
